A Black teenage boy wearing a hearing aid laughing with a white non-binary teenager outside the shops.

Self-esteem

As parents and carers, we cannot prevent our children and young people from going through some hard times. But we can be a big part of supporting them to develop the self-esteem that makes them more able to cope.

Having good self-esteem is an important part of having good mental health. This is because it helps us to feel good about ourselves and our life, as well being one of the things that can get us through tough times.

Feeling loved, supported and valued by a parent or trusted adult is an essential part of having good self-esteem. So remember how much you’re doing every time you hug your child or young person, tell them you love them, spend quality time together or ask if they’re okay. 

On this page, you can find information and advice to help you feel more confident about supporting your child or young person when they’re struggling with their self-esteem.

Building self-esteem takes time, there’s no magic wand. But there’s always hope. It might not feel like it sometimes, but there’s always hope that things will get better.
Sarah, parent

What is self-esteem?

A very happy young girl smiling at her mum on the sofa

Self-esteem means the way we think and feel about ourselves. When we have good or high self-esteem, we:

  • feel good about who we are most of the time
  • believe in ourselves, and our qualities and strengths
  • believe we are worthy and deserving of all the good things in life, including love, kind friends and fun experiences

Having good self-esteem is not about being happy all the time, or always feeling confident. We all have bad days and negative thoughts sometimes. But when we have good self-esteem, we’re more able to move on from these feelings by being kind to ourselves and asking for support.

What causes low self-esteem?

Your child or young person’s self-esteem will naturally go through ups and downs at different points. Going through big changes like starting a new school or moving to a new area can affect a child’s confidence. But with support, they can usually get through this and feel okay again.

Sometimes, however, a child or young person can experience low self-esteem over a longer period of time. This can make it harder for them to look after their mental health. It may leave them struggling with things like low mood or anxiety.

This can happen when a young person hears negative messages about themselves from other people. These could come from a parent, relative, peer, teacher, sibling or through social media. These messages can have a big impact because a young person develops their opinion of themselves through the way they are treated in their relationships. This is especially true while they’re still growing up.

The types of messages that damage self-esteem include:

  • being called labels or names like ‘naughty’, ‘stupid’, ‘ugly’, ‘bad’ or ‘weird’
  • being criticised when you make mistakes
  • being put under too much pressure to succeed or do everything well, or only being noticed when you achieve something
  • seeing lots of images about what a ‘beautiful’ or ‘attractive’ person looks like, when this person looks different to you
  • being told off when you struggle with schoolwork

Signs your child or young person is struggling with their self-esteem

If your child or young person is feeling low about themselves, these are some of the signs you might notice:

  • saying negative things about themselves
  • making negative comments about their appearance
  • making negative comments about things they’ve done, for example at school
  • comparing themselves negatively to other people
  • withdrawing – for example avoiding social situations and activities
  • seeming low in their mood – for example, showing less interest in things
  • avoiding trying new things, or worrying a lot about doing something new
  • seeming very anxious when they make a mistake, or not being able to move on from it
  • giving themselves a hard time when things don’t go as planned
  • turning to coping mechanisms like self-harm
A father comforting his sad daughter with his arm around her

Talking to your child or young person about what’s going on

As a parent or carer, starting a conversation with your child or young person can sometimes feel like the hardest bit. But it can also be a bit of a turning point. Talking things through can help them to feel less alone. And once you know what’s going on, you’re in a better position to help. So even though it can feel difficult, it is important to try gently checking in with your child or young person when you see that they’re struggling.

Here are some tips for starting a conversation:

  • Check in while doing an activity together

    This can help them to relax by making it feel like less of a ‘big chat’. You could go for a walk, cook or bake, or do something creative together. You can find more advice about this in our guide to talking about mental health.

  • Start with an ‘I’ phrase

    For example you could say:

    • 'I’ve noticed that you’re staying in your room a lot at the moment. Is everything okay?'
    • 'I thought you seemed kind of upset the other day. Is there anything going on?'
    • 'I’ve been thinking about how upset you were last night about your homework. Can we have a chat about it?'
  • Don’t be disheartened if it doesn’t work straightaway

    Remember not to give up if they don’t want to talk the first or second time you try. Keep giving them opportunities and let them know you’re there when they’re ready. If they cannot talk in person at the moment, you could try texting or writing a letter instead.

When your child or young person does talk, try to:

  • Focus on listening and understanding it from their perspective

    Avoid trying to fix everything straightaway or getting them to take a particular action. This can leave them feeling pressured or judged. Instead, empathise with how things are feeling, and let them know it’s understandable to feel the way they do. You can find more tips for making your child or young person feel really listened to in our blog.

  • Help them to understand their feelings, and show you accept them without judgement

    Knowing that you’re on their side, and that you will not judge them, helps them feel more okay about finding things hard. If they find it hard to express their feelings, it can help when you wonder aloud about what might be happening. For example you could say, ‘I’m wondering if you might be feeling upset/worried/sad because…’

  • Find out if anything in particular is causing them to feel bad about themselves

    If it’s something like bullying or abuse, take steps to make sure it stops. These types of experiences will continue to negatively affect their self-esteem. They will not be able to recover while it’s still happening.

  • Validate their feelings. You could say, ‘it’s understandable that you feel like … Anyone would feel like that in your situation’. This gives them the message that they can open up to you – that you’re prepared to sit with that difficult feeling and that they are not alone in feeling that way.
    Emily, parent
  • Recognise how important it is that they’re verbalising their feelings by talking to you about it, and how that is a very brave step towards feeling better.
    Emily, parent

Helping your child or young person to build their self-esteem

Alongside talking and providing emotional support, there are things you can do to help your child or young person improve their self-esteem.

As you think about strategies you might want to try, always remind yourself you’re doing your best. It’s natural to feel a bit overwhelmed sometimes, or to feel guilty as parents or carers about what we’re not doing. Remember that modelling good self-esteem is really important. That means not expecting yourself to be perfect or giving yourself a hard time either.

Have a look through these suggestions and pick one or two things you think might help. Trust yourself to know what suits your child or young person best in terms of their individual needs and where they’re at.

If something you’re going through feels like a huge mountain to climb or it feels overwhelming, try not to focus on the whole task or end result. Try instead to think about the best first step, and take it from there, one day at a time. Then ask yourself, has it helped? Has it helped your young person, or do you need to change direction and try something new?
Emily, parent

Looking after yourself and modelling good self-esteem

Children and young people learn about how to be in the world from the people around them. So it’s really important that we model good self-esteem as parents and carers. For example, you can show your child that it’s okay to try new things by doing it yourself. Or, when things are hard, you can show them you have a kind, accepting attitude towards yourself.

This may feel difficult if things are tough or overwhelming at the moment. It's harder to do these things when our batteries are running low. Remember to keep finding ways to re-charge and take care of yourself, as well as your child. Make time, however small, for the things that work for you. Remember that it’s okay to ask for help when you need it and to share your worries with someone you trust.

If self-esteem is an issue you find particularly difficult, it might be helpful to reflect on your own experience. What messages have you been given by others, and how has this affected your attitude towards yourself?

Take care of yourself. Model good self-care and mind your own language. Avoid phrases like ‘I’ve been good so I can have this’ or ‘I’ve been bad so I can’t have that’. Just be and don’t base it on rewards and denying yourself. You can treat yourself for no reason at all. And so can your child. You are worthy.

Our children are picking up, absorbing and often copying our behaviours - even if subconsciously! So we have to be mindful about our modelling. Building our own self-esteem will ultimately help build our children’s.
Abiola, parent

Finding help and support for your child or young person

You are the expert in your child. You can work alongside doctors and other people supporting your young person, but ultimately you know your child best. Attending parenting classes, and getting support in a peer space where other parents and carers understand, can boost your confidence and self-esteem, which will ultimately help your child too.
Abiola, parent

Useful helplines and websites

While we take care to ensure that the organisations we signpost to provide high quality information and advice, we cannot take responsibility for any specific pieces of advice they may offer. We encourage parents and carers to always explore the website of a linked service or organisation to understand who they are and what support they offer before engaging with them.

  • YoungMinds Parents Helpline

    We support parents and carers who are concerned about their child or young person's mental health. Our Parents Helpline provides detailed advice and information, emotional support and signposting.

    You can speak to us over the phone or chat to us online.

    You can speak to us over webchat between 9.30am and 4pm from Monday-Friday. When we’re closed, you can still leave us a message in the chat. We’ll reply to you by email in 3-5 working days.

    Opening times:
    9.30am-4pm, Monday-Friday
  • Parenting Mental Health

    Digital support community and charity offering information, peer support, facilitated listening circles, mentoring and courses for parents of children with mental health difficulties.

    Founder Suzanne Alderson’s book Never Let Go - How to Parent Your Child Through Mental Illness (Penguin, 2020) outlines how she supported her daughter to recovery after she became depressed and suicidal.

  • Youth Access

    Provides information about local counselling and advice services for young people aged 11-25.

    Put in your location and what you need help with into their 'Find help' search, and see what services are available in your area.

  • Hub of Hope

    A national database of mental health charities and organisations across Britain that offer mental health advice, including for family members.

  • Bayo

    Bayo has a list of organisations that work specifically with Black young people, including places where Black young people can get mental health support in their local community.

  • Black Minds Matter

    Connects Black individuals and families with free professional mental health services across the UK.

    You can get in touch here.

Patient Information Forum Trusted Information Creator (PIF TICK) logo

This page was reviewed in September 2023.

It was created with parents and carers with lived experience of supporting their child or young person with self-esteem.

We will next review the page in 2026.

YoungMinds is a proud member of PIF TICK – the UK's quality mark for trusted health information.